Thursday, July 25, 2013

More than Ms. Fix It

My son T-man, he likes to be called by that nickname, has been having computer problems for the past couple days. His being without a computer has been a bit taxing, but his coping skills are high and he’s managing well.

Earlier today I was telling a friend about our dilemma when she said something to me that struck me funny. She said, “You were created for this moment.” I quickly rejected the idea and attempted to change her view. She further stated, “All the things that you’ve fixed over the years lead you up to this day. You were made for your son so you could do all what you do for him.” I hope I don’t come across as ungrateful, but I am a little insulted by those statements.  I love my son with all my heart and will do anything to give and foster a healthy happy life for him, but I will not lessen who I am as an individual while doing so. Being a mom herself…what was she thinking to say such a thing? How does that line of thought benefit the child or anyone for that matter?  Can you imagine, thinking so little of yourself? Or is this a normal thought pattern. I don’t know…

Why would God take the time to create a whole person just to be able to fix her son’s broken electronics? What an odd way of looking at ones existence.  It is as if to say that we are big fat zeros before being blessed to join the ranks of parenthood. As if we have nothing to contribute except in the way of parenting. To think that my entire existence comes down to repairing and replacing broken parts to my son’s old VHS tapes, putting his Nook back together after he decides to see how the inside works, replacing buttons on DVD remotes that have been rendered useless due to over-usage or taping torn book pages so the seams don’t show. Well that level of skill utilized about 2 years of my existence…so now what?

Am I being overly sensitive? Could it be that my literal mind has run amuck? Could this be a round-about way to see into the lives of some parents and why they feel so empty inside when their children grow up and move out? I guess it’s supposed to be enough being the provider, teacher, therapist, chauffer, maid, nurse, cook, referee, IT, stylist, story teller, Ms. Fix-it and personal assistant to my child. NOT!!!!!

I will admit that I am a fairly well-spoken, thought proving, tool toting, book reading, grocery shopping, coping magnum, neurodiverce mom that has an unlimited supply of I love you(s), but I am so much more…

What I am is gifted in many ways. One of which is my God given ability to fix things. I been taking things apart and putting things together since I was a toddler. I used to take old watched, remove as much of the innards as possible and put them back together again. Sometimes there were a few parts left over, but the watches almost always worked and worked for some time. I learned to refurbish pool tables around the age of 6-7 and was quite good at it. I have always had a mechanical mind which is one of the many things I love about the way I was created. So I am not willing to give any portion of my gifts away just for the sake of being good and what I do as a mom or to sum my gifts up into one brief moment or one small purpose. I’d much prefer to see myself in the light in which I shine and to give thanks that my son can benefit from that light. Perhaps even sharing in that light himself.

I guess it takes being aware of oneself and being able to see ones self-worth outside of the day-to-day or at all. I suppose many of us are not yet in that safe place where we can simply be. And I also need to be more patient with my friend and try to understand where she’s coming from as opposed to only focusing on the words she’s saying.

I have not always had the ability to see myself in a better light, but I am getting better at creating a healthier existence outside of the trauma of unfortunate parenting endured. I have been creating the tools that I need to overcome lifelong traumas for many years and I am putting them to use. It feels good to boldly see that there is much…much more to me.

So, to my friends out there in parent land I ask only one thing… That you acknowledge the truth of yourself, the best of yourself, see the whole self as you give of yourself and please…reserve a part of self just for you.

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