Tuesday, August 6, 2013

An Overview of the Cause and Healing of Social Anxiety Disorder

Finally! I have come across a video that not only accurately describes SA, but gives a very open, honest, organic view of healing SA. There is no mumbo jumbo in this video. I think this lovely person is completely relatable and honest. I am sure many of you who listen to this video will have moments of clarity and insight into your own experiences with SA. There is hope and healing for us...

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Good Mama Karma

Does anyone have trouble teaching their spectrum child how to throw away empty containers when they are done?

About two weeks ago when planning for a shopping trip I neglected to get my son’s goldfish shacks. Well…I could take this as a bad mommy moment, but I am not responsible for my son’s snack cabinet…that is HIS responsibility.

I have tried on several occasions to teach my son to throw away the empties. I’ve even taken measure to walk him through our recycling process so he would know how to properly dispose of empty boxes and such. Of course that was all for not, because he had not yet processed that he should discard the empties to begin with. As it were, my “Good Mama Karma” (my newest catch fraise) offered up the perfect teaching opportunity. Sooo, as any good mama would do…I left the empty right where it stood. Days had gone by and I noticed little signs of mild disharmony. A little red snack bowl left on the kitchen counter…alone and empty. Hmmm, has the child been perusing the kitchen for his favored snack? I checked the cabinet and the empty was still there…just a little shifted. I leave it… A few more days pass and it is time for another trip to the grocery store. This time I ask my son if there is anything he can think of that he wants from the store. We go…he indicates nothing…okaaaaay. Later that night I hear my son growling in the kitchen. He’s had enough…(giggle giggle). Wait…let me translate my son’s growls for you, “What measure of mutiny has befallen me that I am STILL not able to find a reasonable snack to my liking IN…THIS…HOUSE!!!” Well…that’s what it sounded like to me. Opportunity has knocked…loudly. I seized the moment and took great delight in explaining to my son the practicality of disposing of empties once again and even took him through the recycling process in order to paint a complete picture. I think he’s got it this time… I’m gearing up for another shopping trip soon and guess what I found…a properly disposed of empty goldfish container. Bravo kiddo…job well done…
Thank you, Good Mama Karma ;-)

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Autism's Love: Making Connections

I am feeling very proud of myself right now. I've been working on my new facebook page Autism's Love: Making Connections and launched it 3 days ago. My dream is to connect with special needs individuals and communities from around the world. I hope my page will be a fun and informative place to visit and share resources. I don't know about you, but sometimes I get caught up in my own little space, always focusing on the tasks at hand. It's good to take out time to see what is going on in other parts of the world and to see how others are dealing with their individual special needs. I love learning about different kinds of resources. Diversity is key for me. I've always loved learning about people and their cultures and now I've created an avenue that has a personal connection to me to do so.

Welcome to my new obsession. :-) I hope my new page enlightens and inspires all who are part of the special needs world.

Autism's Love: Making Connections

Thursday, July 25, 2013


I like the idea of broaching Autism/Asperger's/PDD-NOS as a form of neurodiveristy as opposed to a disability. I've never seen myself or my son as disabled nor do I want a cured. I love myself just the way I am. And I can't imagine my son being any other way other than his wildly energetic, funny, loving, stemtastical (my new word for the day), happy-go-lucky, honest, sensitive, social, nurturing, dutiful and beautiful self.

As for me, I love the way my brain drinks in loads of information, filters it, categorized it and regurgitates it when triggered...like a fill-in-the-blanks kind of thing. I have a need to be honest, a passion for love, I see beauty in everything and I so appreciate the simple things. I love the diversity of mankind without the woes of typical thinking. I love complex thought processes and patterns and I love the company of myself. A bit of an introvert, yet I'm able to project myself when needed. I have an awesome imagination that gives way for some of the best play...ever. I love my ability to communicate on many different levels. I am unique...an individual. I am a visionary, a thinker, a problem solver. I love challenges and I live for a good debate. I cherish innocence and all good things. What more can you ask for in life.

I just want for me and my son to be accepted as who we are by the ones we love.


More than Ms. Fix It

My son T-man, he likes to be called by that nickname, has been having computer problems for the past couple days. His being without a computer has been a bit taxing, but his coping skills are high and he’s managing well.

Earlier today I was telling a friend about our dilemma when she said something to me that struck me funny. She said, “You were created for this moment.” I quickly rejected the idea and attempted to change her view. She further stated, “All the things that you’ve fixed over the years lead you up to this day. You were made for your son so you could do all what you do for him.” I hope I don’t come across as ungrateful, but I am a little insulted by those statements.  I love my son with all my heart and will do anything to give and foster a healthy happy life for him, but I will not lessen who I am as an individual while doing so. Being a mom herself…what was she thinking to say such a thing? How does that line of thought benefit the child or anyone for that matter?  Can you imagine, thinking so little of yourself? Or is this a normal thought pattern. I don’t know…

Why would God take the time to create a whole person just to be able to fix her son’s broken electronics? What an odd way of looking at ones existence.  It is as if to say that we are big fat zeros before being blessed to join the ranks of parenthood. As if we have nothing to contribute except in the way of parenting. To think that my entire existence comes down to repairing and replacing broken parts to my son’s old VHS tapes, putting his Nook back together after he decides to see how the inside works, replacing buttons on DVD remotes that have been rendered useless due to over-usage or taping torn book pages so the seams don’t show. Well that level of skill utilized about 2 years of my existence…so now what?

Am I being overly sensitive? Could it be that my literal mind has run amuck? Could this be a round-about way to see into the lives of some parents and why they feel so empty inside when their children grow up and move out? I guess it’s supposed to be enough being the provider, teacher, therapist, chauffer, maid, nurse, cook, referee, IT, stylist, story teller, Ms. Fix-it and personal assistant to my child. NOT!!!!!

I will admit that I am a fairly well-spoken, thought proving, tool toting, book reading, grocery shopping, coping magnum, neurodiverce mom that has an unlimited supply of I love you(s), but I am so much more…

What I am is gifted in many ways. One of which is my God given ability to fix things. I been taking things apart and putting things together since I was a toddler. I used to take old watched, remove as much of the innards as possible and put them back together again. Sometimes there were a few parts left over, but the watches almost always worked and worked for some time. I learned to refurbish pool tables around the age of 6-7 and was quite good at it. I have always had a mechanical mind which is one of the many things I love about the way I was created. So I am not willing to give any portion of my gifts away just for the sake of being good and what I do as a mom or to sum my gifts up into one brief moment or one small purpose. I’d much prefer to see myself in the light in which I shine and to give thanks that my son can benefit from that light. Perhaps even sharing in that light himself.

I guess it takes being aware of oneself and being able to see ones self-worth outside of the day-to-day or at all. I suppose many of us are not yet in that safe place where we can simply be. And I also need to be more patient with my friend and try to understand where she’s coming from as opposed to only focusing on the words she’s saying.

I have not always had the ability to see myself in a better light, but I am getting better at creating a healthier existence outside of the trauma of unfortunate parenting endured. I have been creating the tools that I need to overcome lifelong traumas for many years and I am putting them to use. It feels good to boldly see that there is much…much more to me.

So, to my friends out there in parent land I ask only one thing… That you acknowledge the truth of yourself, the best of yourself, see the whole self as you give of yourself and please…reserve a part of self just for you.

Monday, July 22, 2013

The Spectrum of My Aspie Mind

I am a thinker by nature, always processing and thinking about how I do and why I do the things that I do. So I thought to myself, how funny it is that I relish in the complexities of the ways of mankind and the richness of enlightenment, but flounder in the simplest of tasks like sweeping the floor. I can bring a picture to life with colors that create movement and texture, but I can’t pick out a color scheme for a room. I can sew a beautify garment, but I can’t put an outfit together...nor do I want to.  There are those who can easily decipher quantum entanglement, yet on the contrary may not be able to figure out how to tie a shoe. The spectrum mind is a most interesting place…

How do I explain that I’d prefer to wear the same outfit everyday or that I have to break down chores like sweeping the floors into sections or particular directions so that I can complete the task without getting overwhelmed? I love to cook, but I hate to plan meals…it’s just too taxing. I will admit that it is easier now that my son participates, especially on those lovely days when I can get him to pick out the meat, starch and vegetable, leaving me to simply put it all together. It’s almost like working with half a brain sometimes. So why are the simpler things so much more difficult? How is it that I am a self-taught reader, reading chapter books before kindergarten, but struggle to express myself in writing?  I don’t know these things… I’m still trying to figure it out.

For me, a thing can be much more than just a thing…it’s can be experience on a multi-dimensional level. Like the feel of water. To most people when they feel water it just feels wet, warm, hot or cold. To me water feels more tactile. I can feel the slightly sticky, roughness of hard water as opposed to the softness of spring or distilled water. There is a distinct difference between the taste and feel of boiled water and microwaved water which has a dry tacky feel and the dryness is liken to lychee fruit which is a dry, slightly sweet popular grape like Asian fruit. Boiled water has a much smoother texture and glides across the pallet…clearly more pleasant than the ladder.

I am very sensitive to movement, patterns and lines, heat, light, sound and certain kinds of smells. I’m extremely sensitive to words and word usage in verbal communication more than written. The mind is the most interesting space that a person has and having an aspie/autist mind makes it even more interesting. I love the beauty of my mind and would not change a thing other than to have a greater understanding of it’s ability.  

Thank you for Visiting My Blog

It has come to my attention that there are people who are still interested in visiting my blog. Thank you.

I’ve given it a lot of thought and have decided to re-open this blog. I had given up on maintaining it because I was not getting any feedback. I am at my best when I am having some measure of cerebral stimulation. Writing this blog has at times been less than fulfilling for that very reason. I was not getting what I needed. YES I am making an attempt to express myself and YES it feels good to purge my thoughts no matter how feeble they may appear. I felt trapped…trapped inside of a one-sided conversation as if talking into an echoless tunnel. This caused my heart to grow heavy.

I realized in my attempt to strengthen my ability to communicate my thoughts and feelings how much having a two-way conversation means to me. My mind feed off of the words of others and causes the most wonderful cerebral effect.  That level of stimulation is euphoric for me. I don’t think I can explain it any better than that. At least not without more in-depth thought about it.

I have also come to terms with the fact that I may very well never have such an experience with this blog. That is why I have several blogs in which I can express the many facets of myself in many different formats thus stimulating many different reactions, which in of itself is quite stimulating. So it is okay if the readers of this blog do not chime in as hoped. Though I must say if a reader does decided to enlighten me with a comment about a posted subject, I will definitely be elated and would eagerly reciprocate it.

I wish to thank you all again for continuing to visit my blog. I hope that I am able to share information, shed light on a subject or simply connect on a non-superficial level with. I pray my words are well received by you and may spark something inside of you or at the very least provoke thought or a new way of thinking about the simpler side of life.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

The Closing of This Blog: New Beginnings

Greetings to you all who have been so gracious to read my humble words. I have been struggling to find my way and can not tell you the effort it takes for me to express my emotions. It has recently come to mind that my difficulties stem from an inability to connect with past emotions about abuse and early childhood trauma. So in an effort to reach into my inner being I have decided to focus on the things of my past and allow the voice from that time to be heard. It will be a first for me.

I have started a new blog A Voice from the Spectrum http://autismslove.wordpress.com/. There you will find just a couple of my old posts along with new writings.

Thank you for sticking with me this long.

Here's to the unknown in new beginnings...

Onward and Upward!!!!

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Autistic People should…

Happy flash blog day!!!  Many of my fellow spectrumites are participating in a flash blog today. We are to complete the sentence - Autistic people should…

Here is my sentence, a love note to society.

Autistic people should be seen as valuable, viable, and resourceful members of society.

We live in a society that gives little value to those who are socially, physically or emotionally different. There are too many instances where tolerance is used to fill in the gaps for political correctness. To be tolerated is an insult. We deserve better than that. Autistics did not raise their hands and say, “oh, please, let me to be in society.”

Autistics have always been part of society.  

Autistics have the same rights and should receive the same respect as any other member of society. That is a given to ALL.

Autistics do not deserve to be alienated, cast aside, ignored, bullied or banished.

Autistics are…

Artful, inquisitive and gifted

Unusual and outside of the box thinkers


Individuals first and foremost

Simply wonderful




Survivors of insurmountable odds

Autistics are mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, children, family members and friends.

Autistics are part of all walks of life, religion, race, color and creed. We have the desire to love and be loved; to understand and to be understood.

Compassion breads understanding.
 Acceptance is long overdue.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Song and Sniffles, Part 2

As promised I am writing about Hunt’s music/speech therapy today. 

We were just a few minutes late. Hunt ran into the class. I tip toed behind him hoping not to slip. It’s been raining and there are wet foot prints on the floor. The children are signing their greeting song.  I take a seat not too far from him. Hunt likes me to be near but still far enough away that he has his own space. I wait with baited breath, hoping Hunt will sing a little in group today.

The mood in the room is different. Oh, I see the founder of the group is here. That may change things a bit. Hunt is not accustomed to seeing her during meeting times. Even though he knows her, he’s still not used to her being here. The other therapist must have an appointment or is out sick today.  That’s okay we’ll just have to adjust.

My eyes pan around the room and I notice the chalk board where the lyrics are written. The lyrics…they’re different this week. Oh no, they changed from the chorus to other lines today. Hunt worked so hard to sing the chorus and now they’re going to go over lyrics he’s not familiar with. Okay, here we go… The piano sounds and the therapist begins to sing. She sings one line and then the children sing. Hunter does not open his mouth. She sings another line and again the children sing. Hunt still does not open his mouth. I can tell by the way he turns his head that he recognizes the song, but he wont open his mouth. I leaned forward and touched him on the shoulder…sing boo-boo. Instead he begins to wipe his eyes. He turns to me and I can see that his eyelashes are a little wet. He’s crying. My heart breaks. How sad this is, to see Hunt take the initiative to work so hard practicing the chorus only to be the caught completely off guard. There are too many differences today.

My heart sank lower and my head dropped. I felt myself getting angry but then…that’s not right. There’s nothing to be angry about. There is no fault here. I look at Hunt and I wonder if he feels bad that his friends know the song better than he does. I shake my head and try not to impose my thoughts upon him. It is enough to know he is sad. I am silenced. I put on a smile and continue encouraging all of the children. My son turns to look at me again and I smile at him. I know he can see the sadness in my eyes. I’ve got to get it together and be strong. This is not the end of the world.

A few minutes go by and I see my son begin to perk up. He’s talking a little, responding to the questions. This is good…very good. Another song begins and my son opens his mouth and he sings a little. What great joy, to hear his beautiful voice among the masses.  Sing boo-boo…sing. My pride erases the sadness that weighed so heavily on my heart. What a relief to see him smile. All is not lost. Hunt’s hard work is not in vein. He sang today. For the first time ever my son sang with other children. It has been a very good day.  

Song and Sniffles

Today I’m seeing another leap in my son. He’s becoming so mature. It’s a little hard for me facing that fact that he’s growing up so fast, but at the same time I celebrate his accomplishments, his growing desire to learn more, try harder and achieve. This is monumental…

Hunt enjoys being in a music/speech therapy group called Voices Together. He seems to enjoy the group activity and is making friends, but reluctant to participate in the actual singing. Hunt loves every aspect of music and even shows an interest in learning to play a few instruments…drums, piano and guitar for now. He’s the oldest in the group by a year or so and his general demeanor depicts a measure of boredom as I guess it would be with any teenager who’s not totally committed to the cause. Whatever the case, he seems to enjoy himself, so I press on.

Each semester the children learn a new song. This semester’s song is very long and a popular hit. Fortunately we are to learn the chorus, only. I bring the words home and find the song on YouTube. We listen and then I sing… My son shows little interest as he usually does when embarking upon something new. It takes more than one exposure to something before he reacts to it. Well, unless it’s a food item he does not like. That is when I can expect the tale…tale wiggling of the fingers accompanied by a very clear and stern “no” or “do not.”

Anyway, I played the song several times, always encouraging Hunt to sing along if only a single world. He refuses, but does so with a sheepish grin. That tells me he’s receptive to my proposed notion, but will comply in his own time. There’s more school work to be done, so we’ll try the song again on another day.

Time for group again and as usual Hunt is eager to go. As usual he runs into the classroom and greets everyone in his own way and as usual he sits and listens to everyone else sing and he grins. Song recognition is wonderful, but I do so want him to sing a little. The leader of the group tried to encourage Hunt to sing, but he only points and requests to play the piano. I clap and cheer at the end of the song and tell all, job well done. Hunt seems to be please as well and claps also. I am happy that he gets so much enjoyment out of this group. Perhaps one day he will sing with his friends…perhaps.

Today after finishing school work Hunt pointed to YouTube and wanted me to pull up the song we’ve been working on. He waited with anticipation for me to start the song. Watching carefully to see what icons I clicked on. As soon as the song began to play, he grabbed my pen, started rocking and pointed to the words of the chorus that were in front of him. At the appropriate time he began to sing the chorus. Oh my goodness, he’s signing the song!! I stared for a moment and then left him on his own to process the song in his own way. He must have played that song 20 times. I think he sang for about 30 or so minutes. He worked so hard to sing as much of that song as he could. And he did exceptionally well I might add. He sang and sang and I shed a joyful tear. He sang until he was satisfied and then announced that he was done. We have another group meeting tonight. I don’t know if he’s going to sing or not, but I know for sure that he’s learning this song. I guess I’ll have to wait and see. I’m excited. I’ll be sure to tell you all about it later.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Food for the Soul, Pt. 3 – Armor of God

 Ephesians 6:11 (NKJV) Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.

The first time I read this verse it struck a very deep cord in me. “Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.” I liked the sound of that. I needed to know more about God’s armor, so I studied Ephesians 6:13-18 (NKJV) over and over again for months. I wrote the verses down and took careful measure to look up every item on the list, noting what each item meant in biblical terms. I wanted to be sure that I knew exactly what I needed to arm myself with the “whole armor of God.” I could not afford to miss anything as the devil prides himself on being a tireless opponent.
Okay…so now what? I have my list…how do I get the armor? Confused and a little dismayed, I continued to read the verses over and over again. I somewhat understood what God was saying in the sense of what was needed to sustain ourselves during attacks from the devil, but I did not understand how to obtain the armor itself. I read the bible verses again. And I continued studying my list. I spoke with fellow Christians, Evangelists, Elders and a Deaconess, but no one could clearly tell me how to get my armor. I was so disappointed. Why can’t anyone tell me how to get God’s armor for myself? So I began to pray for understanding of the verses I’d been studying. After saying my prayers I tried not to think about it anymore, but my mind continued to search for answers.

My imagination takes over. I envision myself being in mid-evil times looking around, seeing many people walking along muddy paths tending to their business as I take in the various sights, sounds and smells of the time. There were tents all around and vendors selling their wares. There were huge hay stacks like giant teepees for the animals to feed and wooden carts on large wooden wheels carrying clay pots, linens and metal objects. There were also massive horsemen riding around on angry horses scaring all the people, threatening harm if they did not follow the king’s rules. I can see myself hiding in a corner placing the breast plate of righteousness on my chest and girding my waist with the truth, looking down to make sure my feet were shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace and leaning over to take up the shield of faith with which I will be able to quench the fiery dart of the wicked one, also taking my helmet of salvation and my sword of the spirit which is the word of God. I was preparing for battle. Wow…what a vision. God is trying to show me something. So I prayed and gave thanks for the vision that He gave me. But I still needed to know more. 
Days, weeks and months go by. I struggle through life holding on to God with all that I have. Hoping upon hope that He will see me through. I’m still studying my bible verses and I’m working diligently to increase my prayer time. I read Ephesians 6:13-18 (NKJV) occasionally, but not with the same fervor as before. Instead of focusing on God’s armor, I put my energy into weathering the continual storms of life. So much so that I stressed myself right into the hospital. Just a few nights before I ended up in the hospital I had fallen to my knees trembling with exhaustion and fear. I was completely ravaged and in desperate need of God’s salvation and deliverance. He granted me that, but not without a lesson learned. You see, God offers us salvation, peace and rest in Him who is God’s holiest and most faithful servant, Christ Jesus. John 13:6 (NKJV) Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life.”
Jesus is never far from us, only a breath away. It is with this breath that we ask Jesus for all that we need and His reply to us is this, John 14:13-14 (NKJV) “And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.” I asked for the armor of God. And in doing so, the Lord began preparing me to receive God’s armor. You may wonder why many times there is a waiting period between our requests to God and His answers. Often times we have to be prepared to receive what we ask for. It is by preparation that we are able to recognize when our prayers are being answered.  
I used to run and hide every time trouble came my way or even at the slightest warning. I would hide with great fear and trembling, begging God to help me, lamenting about my unworthiness to receive any of his goodness; yet giving thanks for whatever He graciously gave to me as, if a dog thanking his master for a bone. God wanted me to see how much He is willing to do for me…for all of us. How He waits patiently, knowing what is coming and knowing our reactions. He waits for us to turn to Him and ask for what we need. He wants us to trust in Him. He does not want us to lose hope…but to have hope, one must have faith. This may seem like a tall order, but all we need is a mustard seed of faith to receive that which we ask. Matthew 17:20 (NKJV) So Jesus said to them, “Because of your unbelief; for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you.”
It was on a Saturday morning, while spending time in prayer and thanksgiving, God gave me a revelation. The revelation was the realization of a profound change that occurred in me as a result of events that took place six months prior to that day. It was during the trial of my hospitalization and recovery that I turned to God and asked Him to help me manage my stress. It was then that I humbled myself before God and admitted to Him that I could not handle all that was needed of me by myself. I needed Him and I wanted to say it to Him. I’ve always needed God, but did not put my full trust in Him. I did not have much hope back then either. My faith had yet to grow to the size of a mustard seed.
I wept and turned everything over to God in the name of Jesus Christ. I released all of my worries and woes. I released all stress and anguish. I began to understand the pureness of God’s love and how to serve Him in a loving way…in the way that Jesus loves and serves as we are all servants to the Father. I was made whole and became free. God is cultivating my faith and so it grows to someday be the size of a mustard seed. It is in my faith that I find hope, joy and peace. And it is hope, joy and peace that I dwell. As for the armor of God, he is still working with me on that. But now I know how His armor will be given to me. It is through trial and longsuffering that I will receive the whole armor of God. And it is with this armor that I will do battle until glory comes.

Friday, February 1, 2013

So I’m a Little Different

As a young child, I noticed that I was a little different.  I didn’t act like children my age. As a matter of fact, I had great difficulty understanding peer behavior; that is, what would be considered typical behavior I guess. I much preferred interactions with older people, people that had some semblance of a knowledge base beyond the most current toys on the market, spelling bees and recess. So it should be no surprise that very few children wanted to play with me. I did have three childhood friends. One was much younger than me and soon lost interest as she grew older. Another friend liked me for my ingenious way of pranking her mom and older brother.  My third friend is still friends with me today. She is very accepting of my differences, even if she thinks me a little goofy at times, I don’t think she minds. Most of my peers did not like me or found me odd because my speech was too proper and my posture too straight. I walked on my toes and stared off into the distance too much. I was slow to respond to jokes, if at all and I did not know any childhood games or songs. I much preferred the company of my dolls over the company of humans. To be honest a gobstopper (jawbreaker candy) and a sketch pad were all I needed for my world to be complete.
Bullying was a common occurrence. There was some bullying in kindergarten and grade school, but high school was the worst. Not only was there continuous name calling, but people would set out to befriend me only to get money from me. I wanted to have friends, but did not know how to be friends, not really. I still struggle with that sometimes. It was easier to lie to myself and say I have several friends knowing all they wanted was money. I was glad to give them money and treats from my parent’s store. It made me feel like I was liked for a little while. Yes, I was used and I let them do it, all because I needed to have friends and to be liked.

I have another confession to make. I hate gossip and the very act of gossiping, but I did it for many years, because that was the level of conversation I could engage in and feel like I was being normal. I felt accepted.  It was easier to engage in gossiping about someone else rather than be the one gossiped about. It felt great being liked as opposed to being an outcast. Even if it was all an illusion, the lie perpetuated itself and manifested itself into a truth, but only in my mind. I wasn’t liked…I just engaged in liked behavior.  I had grown so tired of being the odd one. For once, I finally fit in for seemingly no cost, but there was a price and what a price I paid. I lost a potentially good friend and self-respect behind gossip. Gossip is hurtful and it is wrong, and a waste of brain cells. After all was said and done, I found that I too was talked about behind my back by the ones I called friends. If nothing else, I learned when fraternizing with people that talk about others, know that they too are talking about you. I still struggle to understand why this behavior is a norm and perfectly acceptable in society.

I have decided to no longer give into that which is considered “the norm” just to fit in. It’s not worth it. I want to regain myself and be the person that God created me to be. It’s not an easy road. I have learned many things over the years, both good and bad. I now have to figure out how to undo the bad. I am determined to succeed in this. I feel I have no choice as I continue to move forward on this path. I find my need to be my true self stronger than my need for friendship.

It is not my diagnosis of mild Asperger’s Disorder that defines my differences. It is a culmination of many things including a tumultuous childhood which ended at the age of 42. I am now 47 and just starting to discover who I am.

Some say I pressed the mute button on life. I say life also pressed the mute button on me; perhaps life pressed the button first, but that's another story. I’ll share that with you later. In the meantime, I am happy to be blogging again sharing my thoughts and a few of my experiences with you. Be blessed and stay true to yourselves.  Thank you for reading my blog. And please do share your comments.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Christian Grey Has Autism?!

I didn’t think I would post again tonight, but I’ve been given no choice. There are some things that just need to be stated and here it is.

This is my response to an article that I read tonight, Christian Grey has autism written by Allison Zeiring Walmark. I have also included the link to this article so that those who read this post may have access to what I consider an article written in very poor taste by a self-proclaimed “arm chair expert.”

My response

I'm so glad that I took the time to read this article before deciding to share it on twitter. I don't quite know what to say, but I will do my best to say it gently. I am 47 years old and diagnosed with Asperger's Disorder. Living on the spectrum for 47 years does not qualify me as an expert. There are some defining issues that allow professions to issue a diagnosis, but even then the lines between Asperger's and some other diagnosis are very thin at best. I do not understand how you feel that you are qualified to make such a statement as this, "Secondly, I know autism when I see it. Autism and my family have had a complicated, often contentious “frenemy-like” relationship for four plus years. Ethan, my 6-year-old son, was diagnosed at age 2." Please explain to me how you know so much about Autism with the limited amount of exposure you speak so highly of. Your child does not define what living on the spectrum is. Your child is your child who happens to be on the spectrum. It appears that you know something of your child, but very little else. Also, how dare you say Autistics have no empathy. I myself and many of my Aspie friends are highly empathetic, almost to a flaw. We are often overwhelmed by emotions. So with regards to your knowledge of Autism, I strongly suggest that you put down your pen for a while and continue working on building your knowledge base. And please...please remember to write more responsibly. Thank you.

As I stated earlier, here is the link for the article Christian Grey has autism. Please take a moment to read this article and you will understand why I and a few others replied the way we did.

http://www.sheknows.com/parenting/articles/964339/a-spectrum-of-grey (if clicking on the link does not work, try cutting and pasting it in the web address line at the top of this page).
Christian Grey has autism

Christian Grey — yes, that Christian Grey — has autism. How do I know? Well, for starters, I’ve read the Fifty Shades trilogy at least five times, so in addition to making me one of the more pathetic people in this world, it also makes me an armchair expert on the comings and goings (pun intended) of Christian Grey. - written by Allison Zeiring Walmark

Looping and What It Means To Me

I’ve only become familiar with the term ‘looping’ in recent months. I’ve read about it often in posts on one of my favorite Aspie group sites.  There was somewhat of a generalized opinion of what I thought looping meant. But, for some reason, I only related the term to music looping over and over again in my head. I could not fully equate this term ‘looping’ into my personal experiences with conversations and thoughts. I love it when I get ah-ha moments, but I wonder…what took me so long? Good thing is…once I’m able to clearly identify a problem; I can usually find a reasonable coping method to counter it.

In my excitement I almost posted this new revelation in my favorite aspie group, but then decided it was best for me to post it in my blog. After all, I am trying to express myself more through blogging. If I always give in to posting in group, I will never ever completely purge my thoughts in my blogs.
I wonder if my son experiences anything like this. I know he loves to hear sounds looping during stemming, but I have no way of knowing if he loops with bits and pieces of conversations heard or if he has any negative thoughts that bother him that way. My son is diagnosed with Autism and my diagnosis is Asperger’s Disorder. We do have some similarities like enjoying our stemming time after dinner. We also seem to have a unique understanding of each other. There are also many differences between us as well. For instance, I am very high functioning and verbal where my son is considered more middle of the road and non-verbal. Oddly enough, we manage to communicate our thoughts quite well.

Okay, getting back to my original conversation…a few days ago I found myself stuck in looping mode. The conversation was one that I had with a tenant. It was not particularly negative in a hurtful way, but the conversation was somewhat disturbing and a little insulting. So now it loops. I wonder how long this will go on. I try to combat the looping as it plays in my head with various responses. Over time my emotions begin to diffuse. I have to determine how important I'm going to allow this conversation to be. Usually It becomes less important as time goes on or as I come to terms with the root of the conversation. There are conversations that are fashioned purely out of ignorance. Sometimes it's easier to dismiss uncomfortable language when one realizes the root of the language and overall tone of the conversation.

Looping of thoughts can cause great anxiety and emotional discomfort. When I think about the whole experience, I understand why this sort of thing can cause a person to loop themselves right into a major meltdown. It’s like pressing the A-B button on a dvd remote, which causes a section of the dvd to loop over and over and over again. And it will continue to loop until you press the A-B button again to make it stop. Next time you sit down to watch a dvd, look at your remote to see if it has an A-B button. I think most dvd remotes have one now. If so, try it out.

On occassion, I experience disturbing images and dreams from childhood trauma. These occurrences can become a little more intense with hormone shifts such as during pregnancy. I will have to do more research on this. 

The way my mind works, I have a visual scenario to part of my problem. Conversational looping is much like the A-B switch kind of looping. How do I stop the looping in that scenario? Press the button to make it stop. The visualized solution equates into real life. How do I stop the looping in my head? I change my perception and reaction to the conversation. This will make the looping of that particular conversation stop in a shorter period of time.
We listen and share with hopes of understanding and acceptance. It is through these means that we also find solutions and peace. I greatly appreciate your input and any solutions you may have on ways to managing this problem. Thank you.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Food for the Soul - Part 2, Counting Our Blessings

I woke up this morning thinking about how thankful I was to see another day. One tends to be more thankful for each day as one grows older or when experiencing illness. After giving thanks for the day I sat up on the side of my bed and wiggled my toes. Listened to the birds sing for a bit and began moving about the room. I thought to myself…how many blessing have I already received today. How abundantly God gives to us and asks little in return. So I sat down for a moment and began counting my blessings -

1.       The Lord has given me another day today

2.       I am able to thank the Lord for today

3.       I had a good night’s sleep

4.       I am alive today

5.       I opened my eyes today

6.       I took in a breath with no problems today

7.       I feel no pain today

8.       I am able to move my arms and legs today

9.       I have no problems sitting up today

10.   I can hear the birds sing today

11.   I can stand up and my knees don’t pop today

13.   My son is laughing in the other room today

14.   I am a Mom today

15.   My little dog Ginger is happy and eager to go outside today

16.   Our home is safe today

17.   My home is clean and comfortable today

18.   We have plenty to eat today

19.   I can walk today

20.   I have hope today

21.   I can pray freely and without persecution today

22.   I am thankful for so many things today

23.   I have a clear mind today

24.   I have clean drinking water today

25.   I feel joy today

27.   I am at peace today

28.   I got a hug from son today

29.   I am free today

30.   I can love today

31.   I feel loved today…

And those are the blessings that I counted within the first few minutes of the day. Imagine what it would be like to continue counting blessings throughout the entire day.

How could you get mad at that worrisome co-worker if you are counting blessing?

How can you argue with your husband if you are counting your blessings?

How can you yell at your children if you are counting your blessings?

How can you feel tired and drained if you are counting your blessings?

How can you experience road rage if you are counting your blessings?

How can you keep the extra change that the lady behind the checkout gave you by accident if you are counting your blessings?

Don’t you see? If you spend your time counting your blessing and giving thanks for that which you have been blessed with, you wouldn’t have time for anything negative. You would not complain nearly as much. You would not be anxious. You would not be depressed. You would not be in a constant rush. You would not be easily angered. You could not hold a grudge from yesterday. However, you would be more at peace, focusing on the good things in your life. Good things both great and small.

Wonder what it would be like to count blessings while thinking about how to utilize the fruits of the spirit, becoming a blessing to someone else. Wouldn’t that be an awesome thing to strive for everyday? How many countless ways can we use the fruits that God has given us? What are the fruits you ask?

Fruits of the spirit










But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,

(for the fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness, righteousness, and truth),

When you wake up tomorrow morning, start your day by give thanks for the day and then begin counting your blessings. As you move about the day seeking all help and guidance from the Lord, ask Him to help you utilize your spiritual fruits that you may be a blessing to others.

I hope you have enjoyed this food for thought as we continue to feed our spirits with the words and ways of God.

Feel free to share ways that you use your spiritual fruits to bless others.

Be encouraged and keep your eyes on the prize.

Food for the Soul – Part 1, Love

Have you ever taken the time to give thought to what your perception of love really is?

What does the word “love” mean to you logically and/or spiritually?

Where do you think love comes from? Or even the concept of love?

Do you give your love to others freely or does your love come with conditions?

Is love everlasting in your life or is it only a temporary measure?

I am a Christian. My understanding of love is that it comes from God and that God pours his love out onto us through his only begotten son Jesus Christ. This is a truth based on the teachings of my faith. If this is in fact a truth in Christian communities, then why do so many Christians find it difficult to show love…the purest form of love? What causes us to fall into the rut of giving and receiving love that often leads to feelings of being short changed? That is not a pure form of Love. That is not the love that God has given and continues to give to us so freely. That form of love is what many people have determined to be “a chemical reaction in the brain”, much like eating chocolate, taking some sort of euphoric drug or hormonal changes…who knows. What a depressing way to think of this precious gift. Isn’t love greater than that? How is it that God has given us the commandment to love, but we have not taken the time to fully understand what he means? If we don’t understand God’s commandment to love, then how will we know if we are giving His pure love to others?
            This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.

I John 4:8 (NKJV)

He who does not love does not know God, for God is love.
John 15:9 (NKJV)

“As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love.

I tend to think in pictures most of the time and when I think of humanity, I picture the masses in a very congested, grey, miserable kind of pit-like place. For miles and miles all you can see are groupings of people muttering around complaining about this thing and the other. They recklessly meander around in their own miserable state not necessarily hurting one another, but ready to devour any unsuspecting new comer, much like a school of Parana. It seems as if humanity viciously rejects change, holding steadfast to that which they know and are most comfortable with. Humanity at large cannot fathom true happiness or any measure of peace. They say they want these things, but are powerless to obtain them; clueless as to how to retrieve these gifts from our source…God.

Now here we are with the love of God, a love that can conquer all things. This love is not forced upon us, but given to us as a gift. God’s love is readily available for the taking and endless in supply. We think we are showing love, but instead we are utilizing a fleshly cerebrally stimulating occurrence that makes us feel ‘love-like’ for short periods of time. These short periods of time can last as little as a few seconds to as much as a few years, but its affects are only temporary at best.
Job 8:12 (NKJV)

While it is yet green and not cut down, It withers before any other plant.

God’s love is everlasting. It grows over time and fills us to the point of overflowing. God’s love does not hurt, lie, cheat or steal. God’s love is like the fruit that ripens and is given to us to eat. Food nourishes our bodies and God’s love nourishes our spirits.
Jeremiah 31:3 (NKJV)

The Lord has appeared of old to me, saying: “Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you.
 Galatians 5:22 (KJV)

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,

In order for us to fully receive the gift of God’s love, we need to be cleansed of all the gunk absorbed from the constant rubbing of elbows with sinful and negative energy so we may openly receive God’s love and share His true everlasting love with others. Some people are so blinded by sin that they don’t want to be delivered from misery. We are creatures of habit and so even in misery we find comfort because it is familiar to us. Don’t be afraid to stand apart from the murky mire of humanity. Relinquish yourselves to Christ Jesus who died upon the cross and saved us all from sin.  Ask that He come into you and cleans you and free you from that which binds you. Understand that you are God’s precious seed. Do not be like the reed or vine that sprang up in a dry desolate desert only to wither and die. Allow the Lord to plant you firmly in fertile ground that all of the goodness He has put into you be fruitful and multiply. It is by the blessing of God’s love, grace and mercy that you will be able to receive and give of His pure love. His love is the only love that will last forever.

Matthew 22:37-40 (KJV)

37Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. 38This is the first and great commandment. 39And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. 40On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.
Ezekiel 17:5 (NKJV)

Then he took some of the seed of the land And planted it in a fertile field; He placed it by abundant waters And set it like a willow tree.