I like the idea of broaching Autism/Asperger's/PDD-NOS as a form of neurodiveristy as opposed to a disability. I've never seen myself or my son as disabled nor do I want a cured. I love myself just the way I am. And I can't imagine my son being any other way other than his wildly energetic, funny, loving, stemtastical (my new word for the day), happy-go-lucky, honest, sensitive, social, nurturing, dutiful and beautiful self.
As for me, I love the way my brain drinks in loads of information, filters it, categorized it and regurgitates it when triggered...like a fill-in-the-blanks kind of thing. I have a need to be honest, a passion for love, I see beauty in everything and I so appreciate the simple things. I love the diversity of mankind without the woes of typical thinking. I love complex thought processes and patterns and I love the company of myself. A bit of an introvert, yet I'm able to project myself when needed. I have an awesome imagination that gives way for some of the best play...ever. I love my ability to communicate on many different levels. I am unique...an individual. I am a visionary, a thinker, a problem solver. I love challenges and I live for a good debate. I cherish innocence and all good things. What more can you ask for in life.
I just want for me and my son to be accepted as who we are by the ones we love.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
My son T-man, he likes to be called by that nickname, has been having computer problems for the past couple days. His being without a computer has been a bit taxing, but his coping skills are high and he’s managing well.
Earlier today I was telling a friend about our dilemma when she said something to me that struck me funny. She said, “You were created for this moment.” I quickly rejected the idea and attempted to change her view. She further stated, “All the things that you’ve fixed over the years lead you up to this day. You were made for your son so you could do all what you do for him.” I hope I don’t come across as ungrateful, but I am a little insulted by those statements. I love my son with all my heart and will do anything to give and foster a healthy happy life for him, but I will not lessen who I am as an individual while doing so. Being a mom herself…what was she thinking to say such a thing? How does that line of thought benefit the child or anyone for that matter? Can you imagine, thinking so little of yourself? Or is this a normal thought pattern. I don’t know…
Why would God take the time to create a whole person just to be able to fix her son’s broken electronics? What an odd way of looking at ones existence. It is as if to say that we are big fat zeros before being blessed to join the ranks of parenthood. As if we have nothing to contribute except in the way of parenting. To think that my entire existence comes down to repairing and replacing broken parts to my son’s old VHS tapes, putting his Nook back together after he decides to see how the inside works, replacing buttons on DVD remotes that have been rendered useless due to over-usage or taping torn book pages so the seams don’t show. Well that level of skill utilized about 2 years of my existence…so now what?
Am I being overly sensitive? Could it be that my literal mind has run amuck? Could this be a round-about way to see into the lives of some parents and why they feel so empty inside when their children grow up and move out? I guess it’s supposed to be enough being the provider, teacher, therapist, chauffer, maid, nurse, cook, referee, IT, stylist, story teller, Ms. Fix-it and personal assistant to my child. NOT!!!!!
I will admit that I am a fairly well-spoken, thought proving, tool toting, book reading, grocery shopping, coping magnum, neurodiverce mom that has an unlimited supply of I love you(s), but I am so much more…
What I am is gifted in many ways. One of which is my God given ability to fix things. I been taking things apart and putting things together since I was a toddler. I used to take old watched, remove as much of the innards as possible and put them back together again. Sometimes there were a few parts left over, but the watches almost always worked and worked for some time. I learned to refurbish pool tables around the age of 6-7 and was quite good at it. I have always had a mechanical mind which is one of the many things I love about the way I was created. So I am not willing to give any portion of my gifts away just for the sake of being good and what I do as a mom or to sum my gifts up into one brief moment or one small purpose. I’d much prefer to see myself in the light in which I shine and to give thanks that my son can benefit from that light. Perhaps even sharing in that light himself.
I guess it takes being aware of oneself and being able to see ones self-worth outside of the day-to-day or at all. I suppose many of us are not yet in that safe place where we can simply be. And I also need to be more patient with my friend and try to understand where she’s coming from as opposed to only focusing on the words she’s saying.
I have not always had the ability to see myself in a better light, but I am getting better at creating a healthier existence outside of the trauma of unfortunate parenting endured. I have been creating the tools that I need to overcome lifelong traumas for many years and I am putting them to use. It feels good to boldly see that there is much…much more to me.
So, to my friends out there in parent land I ask only one thing… That you acknowledge the truth of yourself, the best of yourself, see the whole self as you give of yourself and please…reserve a part of self just for you.
Monday, July 22, 2013
I am a thinker by nature, always processing and thinking about how I do and why I do the things that I do. So I thought to myself, how funny it is that I relish in the complexities of the ways of mankind and the richness of enlightenment, but flounder in the simplest of tasks like sweeping the floor. I can bring a picture to life with colors that create movement and texture, but I can’t pick out a color scheme for a room. I can sew a beautify garment, but I can’t put an outfit together...nor do I want to. There are those who can easily decipher quantum entanglement, yet on the contrary may not be able to figure out how to tie a shoe. The spectrum mind is a most interesting place…
How do I explain that I’d prefer to wear the same outfit everyday or that I have to break down chores like sweeping the floors into sections or particular directions so that I can complete the task without getting overwhelmed? I love to cook, but I hate to plan meals…it’s just too taxing. I will admit that it is easier now that my son participates, especially on those lovely days when I can get him to pick out the meat, starch and vegetable, leaving me to simply put it all together. It’s almost like working with half a brain sometimes. So why are the simpler things so much more difficult? How is it that I am a self-taught reader, reading chapter books before kindergarten, but struggle to express myself in writing? I don’t know these things… I’m still trying to figure it out.
For me, a thing can be much more than just a thing…it’s can be experience on a multi-dimensional level. Like the feel of water. To most people when they feel water it just feels wet, warm, hot or cold. To me water feels more tactile. I can feel the slightly sticky, roughness of hard water as opposed to the softness of spring or distilled water. There is a distinct difference between the taste and feel of boiled water and microwaved water which has a dry tacky feel and the dryness is liken to lychee fruit which is a dry, slightly sweet popular grape like Asian fruit. Boiled water has a much smoother texture and glides across the pallet…clearly more pleasant than the ladder.
I am very sensitive to movement, patterns and lines, heat, light, sound and certain kinds of smells. I’m extremely sensitive to words and word usage in verbal communication more than written. The mind is the most interesting space that a person has and having an aspie/autist mind makes it even more interesting. I love the beauty of my mind and would not change a thing other than to have a greater understanding of it’s ability.
It has come to my attention that there are people who are still interested in visiting my blog. Thank you.
I’ve given it a lot of thought and have decided to re-open this blog. I had given up on maintaining it because I was not getting any feedback. I am at my best when I am having some measure of cerebral stimulation. Writing this blog has at times been less than fulfilling for that very reason. I was not getting what I needed. YES I am making an attempt to express myself and YES it feels good to purge my thoughts no matter how feeble they may appear. I felt trapped…trapped inside of a one-sided conversation as if talking into an echoless tunnel. This caused my heart to grow heavy.
I realized in my attempt to strengthen my ability to communicate my thoughts and feelings how much having a two-way conversation means to me. My mind feed off of the words of others and causes the most wonderful cerebral effect. That level of stimulation is euphoric for me. I don’t think I can explain it any better than that. At least not without more in-depth thought about it.
I have also come to terms with the fact that I may very well never have such an experience with this blog. That is why I have several blogs in which I can express the many facets of myself in many different formats thus stimulating many different reactions, which in of itself is quite stimulating. So it is okay if the readers of this blog do not chime in as hoped. Though I must say if a reader does decided to enlighten me with a comment about a posted subject, I will definitely be elated and would eagerly reciprocate it.
I wish to thank you all again for continuing to visit my blog. I hope that I am able to share information, shed light on a subject or simply connect on a non-superficial level with. I pray my words are well received by you and may spark something inside of you or at the very least provoke thought or a new way of thinking about the simpler side of life.